I never lost a best friend to suicide growing up but I did see the world change when people I knew were gone. And I’ve watched the world change when people I knew but never knew me were gone.

Most people know I have struggled at different places in my life. Knowing now the cause of those struggles was at times caused by my medical condition, doesn’t change the dark places I visited.

Linkin Park was there in the darkness. They seemed to understand on a deep level at times what I was feeling and it made a difference to know that these things were not limited to me alone. I couldn’t say how many times I’ve listened to ‘Hybrid Theory’ or ‘Meteora’ over the years. In good times and bad.

And today I woke up to the news that Chester lost his battle.

It makes me sad. We lost Chris so recently too, and I can imagine from what I’ve read that it hurt Chester on a deep level to suffer that loss.

I never told Chester, or any of the rest of Linkin Park, that they might have saved my life. They at least played a part in me getting through. I don’t know if it would have made any impact on Chester’s life.

We’ve lost a few people to suicide through the years and I always wonder if anything would have changed had I voiced the part they played in my life. Knowing what my mind was like back in my dark days, I can honestly say that it probably would not have changed anything. That is the way these things work, unfortunately. But I still wish I had said something. I still wish that they were still with us.

It’s been a long while now since I’ve sunk as low as the past and sat with my earphones in listening to Linkin Park. But today I am going to sit and listen to them and remember how it felt to know that other people understood. To know that I was not alone.

And I’ll also listen to Don’t Stay and mis-sing the lyric to Justine like an old friend always did. (He thought that was what it said and that was why I liked listening to the song.)

And if anyone needs a hug today I am here.

If anyone needs to know that someone understands and that they are not alone, I am here.

4 thoughts on “Somewhere I belong

  1. that is really sad. I don’t think anyone could have helped me when I tried and failed and have had those thoughts over the last few years as I have battled with stress causing depression. the only thing I can say is that I couldn’t go through with the actions of my thoughts over the last few years is that those closest to me loved me unconditionally. it is unconditional love ‘ that brought me through. my conscience wouldn’t let me hurt them that badly, so I make myself try to get better the best way I can for them which saves me

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